The Formletter Returns

Here's what I received in the mail just yesterday.  It seems the M's VIPs prefer form letters.  I don't think the secretary made the proper modifications:

________________________________________________________________________________

To: Mariner's Season Ticket Holders

From: Howard Lincoln/Chuck Armstrong

Subject: Our Plan for the Future

Dear valued season ticket holder,

Like you, we are heavily disappointed and troubled by the serious failure in performance by the 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 Seattle Mariners Baseball team.

When we hired Mike Hargrove John McLaren Jim Riggleman Don Wakamatsu Eric Wedge Lloyd McClendon to manage the team for the 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 season our hopes were high for a performance more befitting the investment of 117 Million 98 Million 91 Million a highly competitive amount 125 Million of funds allocated to salary.

While it is true that our recent investment in Milton Bradley Carlos Silva Yuniesky Betancourt Jack Wilson Chone Figgins Kendrys Morales Jesus Montero Robinson Cano and Nelson Cruz has not yet paid the expected dividends on the field, we are confident that with a little patience, Robinson will soon return to his 2012 performance levels and help to lead us yet again in our strong playoff tradition!

It should help you to know that our optimism remains at the highest levels. It is our strong feeling that we, as a team, are close to a breakthrough that will put us over the top and cause us to dominate the American League West for the long-foreseeable future. It is our profound belief that the addition of just one or two additional grizzled veterans to our mix of highly talented rookies like Wladimir Balentien Jeff Clement Matt Tuiasosopo Adam Moore Michael Sanders Carlos Peguero Matt Mangini Abraham Almonte Mike Zunino will give us the toughness necessary to rise to the top of our division. To further encourage you, you should know that we have already signed Jeff Cirillo Scott Spezio Carlos Silva Ronny Cedeno Eric Byrnes Ian Snell Casey Kotchman Ken Griffey Jr. Mike Sweeney Jack Cust Jack Wilson Corey Hart Willie Bloomquist Justin Ruggiano Wellington Castillo Rickie Weeks Mark Trumbo, an exceptional talent, only a few years removed from an all-star season. He is fully recovered from his surgery, his legs are fresh after 2 years of rehab, and we believe that he is sure to experience a career resurgence that is sure to provide just that one missing ingredient separating us from true greatness! Hold on to your hats -- we have signed him for 4 more seasons for the economical figure of 62.5 million! Woo hooo! Exciting days are clearly ahead!

Our thanks for your continued support. As per your previous season ticket agreement, we have pre-billed your credit card (we took the liberty of updating your expiration date) for this next season and added a free upgrade -- contrasting colored armrests to your seats -- signifying your new prestige as a long-time Mariner's supporter. You needn't thank us, your money is sufficient reward.

We also want you to know that the Safeco Field Experience ™ will be better than ever -- and you know just how good it has been in the past! Our food court will now feature the addition of both Russian and English Style restaurants along with 5, yes count them 5, new 'fair trade' coffee blends.

Our new entertainment additions will include bouncy houses on the main concourse (children ages 3-5 with parent -- no shoes) and an additional color of hydroplane in the big screen races. We think the new Northwest Green ™ boat will be a big hit. And let me not forget the new dance move the ground crew have been preparing -- it should be truly spectacular!

One more thing -- we want to introduce our newest sub-mascot -- wait for it.. .. .. .. .. .. .. The RALLY SQUIRREL™!!!! This ENTIRELY unique character is rooted in Northwest Tradition ™ (who hasn't enjoyed one of these little critters as they rummage through your garbage on trash day?). And we will be hosting a contest to name the little fellow next month (please limit your entries to names that rhyme with Ballard). This should be barrels of fun [note: no connection whatever to a barrel of monkeys] and should be a riot when we release him in a section near you! Perhaps as big of a hit as this years' Mariners!

Wow, where has the time gone! In closing, we I want you to know that both of us I, Chuck and Howard, promise that we I will be with you through thick and thin for as long as we I draw breath.

Your Forever Mariner Management Team,

Chuck & Howard

(Note to Secretary: Please remove all bolded text BEFORE sending out for mailing)