Telling our kids’ secrets is so easy, isn’t it? A five-year-old whispers, “Promise not to tell!” as she informs you of her imaginary friend, or something funny about a skunk, and it is just so darn cute that you just have to tell someone. Or maybe your child did something so awful or scary or strange that you feel like you must tell someone to get advice—or because if you don’t, you’ll simply explode.
None of these scenarios, of course, offers respect to our children and their secrets. You wouldn’t tell everyone something that your best friend or your spouse said to you in confidence, so why would you do it to your child?
The thing is, the problem does not stop there. It’s not just a matter of ethics. It’s a matter of building trust with your child. When you start to reveal your kids’ secrets—or even simple comments they make to you in confidence, expecting your discretion—they not only get upset, but they also stop trusting you. Sure, this breaks your heart because they will no longer wish to share things with you that have actual meaning, censoring their every sentence during every conversation with you; but from a parenting perspective, it also means that they don’t trust your advice, your promises or simply you in general. Then, when it comes to the big issues—drugs, pregnancy, career, college—you will be the last to know. You will also be the last person they listen to.
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