Series Review: Conan

There is one movie that sits in my mind as possibly the greatest dark fantasy film of all time, Conan the Barbarian.  I’m not talking about the 2011 flick that came and ended by leaving a stain on the name of Conan, but the original, Arnold Schwarzenegger-starring film from 1982, directed by John Milius (co-writer of Apocalypse Now), co-written by Milius and Oliver Stone and produced by Dino De Laurentiis.  But the first movie proved to be popular enough to spawn a sequel and, eventually, the 2011 remake.  Robert E. Howard’s character is so iconic, in fact, that he has a long, illustrious history in comic books and has even given rise to the making of a MMO set in Conan’s world.  Today I’m going to break down the three films that exist today and attempt to explain to you why you should like the first one the best and consider it a masterpiece of the action-fantasy genre.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

This is the movie that started it all.  During the early 80s, there was a wave of films being made in the fantasy genre, from kids’ films to hard-R flicks filled with blood, guts and sex. Conan was the most intelligent of these darker films to arise and, with the help of an amazing cast (most of whom were professional athletes and did their own stunts) it remains a classic to this day.

The story follows Conan from his childhood, as his family and village are slaughtered by raiders, through his years as a slave and a pit fighter, and finally to the time when he gains his freedom.  Finding the sword of an old king, Conan makes his way through the world as a rogue and a thug, beating people senseless when need be or breaking and entering to get rich.  Eventually he stumbles upon clues that point him to the man who killed his people and, with the help of some roguish and violent friends, sets out to take his revenge.

Some die-had Robert E. Howard fans will complain that this movie changes the essence of Conan too much to be true to its source.  While this may be true to some degree, the movie does capture the dark and horrific side of sorcery in Conan’s world along with the dirty and brutal atmosphere that the character lives in.  Where Conan the Barbarian shines is in presenting viewers with a fantasy world that is believable in almost every respect.  And though Arnie may not be the best actor in the world, but he was born to play this role and is, to most people, the iconic Conan.

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

The rapidly released sequel to Conan the Barbarian loses everything that made the original great and tries to replace it with something new, something that appeals more to general audiences.  No longer does Conan live in a world dark and gritty, but one more fantastical and silly.  His companions now include a comic relief and Conan himself is put into goofy situations to milk a few laughs from audiences.  Although the fantasy element is much richer in Destroyer, there is no more sex and violence, just mediocre action and some questionable special effects.

The story follows Conan as he goes on another adventure, to protect a priestess as she makes a journey to find a special horn to resurrect some sleeping god.  His reward, the return of his dead girlfriend from the first film.  He is joined by some companions and they face down dangers such as an evil ice wizard, endless hordes of soldiers and, eventually, the sleeping god himself.

This film, while enjoyable in a popcorn sort of way, is anything but equal to the original.  The change of tone destroyed franchise potential, although given the time period people may or may not have been ready for something this dark to come at them in multiple chapters (stories such as Game of Thrones weren’t that marketable 25 years ago).  It’s definitely more kid-friendly, however, and makes for a better family action film, but it’s far from the essence of Conan.

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

This movie pissed my off so much that I barely even want to speak of it, but for the sake of rounding off this trio of films, I will.  This Conan brings in a new actor for the lead role in the form of Jason Momoa.  It was directed by Marcus Nispel (the apparent king of franchise reboots) and written by a team whose IMDB credits read like a list of box office failures.  The end result, though many say it is closer to Robert E. Howard’s original vision of Conan, is a movie that follows bland action scene with bland action scene and fills the in-between spaces with dialogue so atrocious and out of place that you can honestly watch this movie on mute and not miss much more than the plot hook.  The script was so boring that it’s hard to even tell whether the actors did a good job or not, for they had very little to work with.  It is, in my opinion, one of the worst reboots ever made.  The folks at Rotten Tomatoes seem to agree with me and the 2011 Conan holds a ridiculously low 24 percent.  Nispel would have made Ed Wood proud with this film.

The Legend of Conan (2014?)

It looks as if some people are trying to actually repair all the damage that’s been done to a franchise that should have been a big-time money-maker.  The Legend of Conan is in the works (though not 100 percent official yet) and Arnie himself has agreed to come back to reprise his role at the titular character.  “But he’s so damn old!” you might be thinking.  That’s one of the best things about the new film - they plan on bringing in an aged Conan, long a king and weary from the years.  He’ll set out to take out some bad guys while dealing with the inevitability of his own mortality.  If it’s done right, it could not only be a great Conan film, but a beautiful and insightful fantasy film as well.

My biggest concern about the new flick is that Fast and Furious veteran Chris Morgan is apparently in charge of the script.  That does not make me optimistic.  Maybe if they get a couple of re-writes in there things will be okay?  Either way, the current plan is to have it ready sometime in summer of 2014.

I say go a step further - I want an HBO Conan series, complete with all the sex and violence that it deserves.  Like that will ever happen…

Many Conans courtesy of blackfilm.com

Conan on throne courtesy of sneakpeek.ca